It’s Not You, It’s Them

When I was 19, I had my first experience with a “silent breakup.” To this day, I have no clue what changed, but we went from being together every day to not talking. It was the strangest thing because there was no fighting, things seemed to be going great, and then BAM! To make things even weirder, after a month of not talking, he called me and asked if I was going to be ready for him to pick me up for a concert we had planned on attending when we were together. After that night, we never spoke again.

Have you ever had a relationship like that? Sometimes it’s an intimate relationship, but other times it’s a friendship. You have no clue what happened, but you no longer speak to one another. In situations like this, drifting apart doesn’t seem like a fitting description, because you drifted apart in the way that a ship with a large hole eventually just sinks out of sight in moments.

If you’re anything like me, you sit there and replay the events near the sinking, trying to figure out what happened and if you were to blame. For a long time, I would allow the end of a friendship to cut me deep. It took a long time for me to realize that taking it personally every time was scarring my soul, every scar making it a little harder to allow anyone to see what was in my heart.

So far this year, there have been two friendships that have sunk like the Titanic. One was an online friend, someone I had met a few times, but now we don’t talk. At all. For a while, I tried to figure out what happened, but you know what? It happened. And trying to dissect the remains of that relationship only hurts the other relationships I have in my life. The time I spend on something that’s dead is time I could spend nurturing the friendships that are still alive and breathing. So it’s okay.

The other hasn’t been nearly as easy to accept. It’s a friendship that lasted half of my lifetime. I can speculate why we no longer talk, but I still don’t because if it turns out to be a case of life getting in the way, my speculation could permanently sour what we once had. Plus, it’s time that I am once again devoting to the friendships that I still have.

The point of all of this is to say that sometimes you just have to accept that it really isn’t you, it’s them. And even if it might be you, if they’re not willing to tell you what you did, that gives you an idea of how much they valued the friendship, in which case, it’s still their loss!

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